Sunday, February 19, 2012

Fat Vampire Babies

When I was 10 My mother started having babies again. In the beginning i was a selfish brat and DID NOT want to share her with any one new.

The babies came, and they took their toll on her. My mom was a hard working innovative and determined woman. Never had time for excuses, only solutions. (Must be where I got that from)
She is capable to anything, she can change a tire, change the oil, or build a house.

I know.
She has done it all.

When she brought home my first baby brother, he was the fattest baby I had ever seen (Close to 10 lbs)
It was like a 3 month old, not a newborn. I was not amused, he was not tiny, fragile and innocent in my jaded eyes, he was an intruder, a vampire, that sucked the life-force out of my mom. She was very ill from pregnancy and had a hard time with recovery.

This fat Vampire baby stuck around, in my dreams he would disappear and my vibrant healthy energetic mother would return.

In reality he was never going to leave, and he was only going to get fatter.

When Fat Vampire baby was 2, mom had the next baby, The Golden Child was born, he was not born with a silver spoon in his mouth, but rather he was born with the Midas Touch. He was a charmer from the moment he was born, He spent the first days of life in NICU with pneumonia and from that fragile start he had my heart wrapped around his golden fingers.

less than 18 months later, Baby #3 arrived, It was as if the DNA and all the available parts to create this babe were scraped off the bottom of the barrel, mom was extremely fragile during this pregnancy and recovery, we almost lost her, twice she went back to the hospital for blood clots. IT was a stressful time, I was the perfect age to bond to this scrawny barrel scraper. He was long, lean and very much the opposite of Fat Vampire baby. It was as if he was testing the world out, trying to see if it was a good fit. And We understood one another. he came to Earth not quite knowing how he fit in.

His big blue eyes

His impish smile

The way he needed to be invited and a part of every activity, Fat Vampire Baby never asked, he just took, the time, the attention and the food, Golden Child never needed to ask, everything was his on a platter. and he knew it.

but Barrel Scraper was......unsure. it was as if he wasn't ready to commit to the task of being on earth. His health was not fragile, no he was quick, witty, spry, silly, active.

But his heart longed to be SHOWN how he was important,he was LOVED, he was WANTED and VALUED.

These boys have taught me a lot in preparation for motherhood.

When I first stated having babies, I thought "This is easy, What is everyone complaining about, or warning us about? Babies are cake-walk!"

And my first baby was like Golden Child, she walked, talked, learned, WOW'ed everyone. She was a mold-breaker.

Next came my own version of Fat Vampire Baby. She was medically fragile, but VERY sure of her place in the world. She KNEW who loved her, (everyone) and she KNEW she belonged.

Each of my kids have taught me a lesson. I do not think I could put a title on each lesson, but i can put a jewel in my crown, they are everything to me.

They can take me from the pit of despair, to the heights of the heavens. (and back)

I would do anything for them, and yet, I see the weaknesses that I detest in my life creeping into my parenting. One of my weaknesses is the compulsion for change, I love change, new scenery, new outlook, new challenges, FRESH NEW games.

but this is not what kids need, they need Sameness, stability,
they need to know what to expect, and they grow and learn better in a patterned schedule.
I....The ultimate Gypsy.

So I return to the lessons I learned from my baby brothers.
I need to be in tune with the needs of each of my children, and be willing to put my wants aside for a decade until they are groomed and prepared to find their unique place in the world.

UNIQUE they are.


They are the worth anything.

Even Staying the SAME.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Where do we go from here?

Sitting alone, in a hotel room. The last time I was alone was in 2003 when I stayed in Anchorage with Wesley during ground school. I watched TV, then went shopping. I spent way too much money on the kids, and felt rejuvenated towards my love of homeschooling and parenting in general.

Being alone can be a double edged sword.

All the thoughts and ideas or weaknesses can come to surface and there is no one to distract you from them.

ENTER: Pain.

I listened to an audio book during the 6.5 hr drive, it was "The Peacegiver" by Fray (I think)

It teaches the principles of forgiveness and the atonement. More than anything it helps us to realize how flawed we are in thinking that our weaknesses are justified because of the weaknesses of others.

This is where I am now. I have been hurt so deeply by certain events or relationships, I have since severed the painful relationships, but now I am at a place of reevaluation, What is RIGHT, and what is GOOD.

I know it is GOOD to live without contention, and to live in Peace, however when do bridges need to be mended and relationships opened and reunited.

When is it safe to head back down that path?
We know we only have control over OUR path, OUR actions and OUR reactions. So how can you prepare or allow someone into your life that has not in the past proved to be trustworthy or even capable of admitting fault?

I do not want them to accept all the blame, or to be the one responsible to fix the riff, however I can only accept responsibility for MY actions, and MY REACTIONS right?

I think I have forgiven, I feel ready to move on. I am just at a loss for where that path should take me.

I am DEEPLY Grateful for a husband who is SO HUMBLE and LOVING and willing to accept me for who I am, he truly shows such infinite compassion and love towards me. It is such a blessing to know that I am loved. Without him by my side.....I shudder to think what life would be like. Thank you 'nuggle Bunny' Thank you for helping me through the past pain of these hurtful situations.

Thank you for willingly traveling this path with me. I LOVE YOU.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Chicken Soup and Blessings abound

I started to feel a wee bit ill this week, then today I awoke to full-body pain. I do not get sick, partially because I do not have time to get sick.

Today I am taking the time.

stay in bed, sip on home made chicken noodle soup from a dear lovely friend, rest, read a bit, write a little, and reminisce on my life.

How many times have we looked at the life of our friends or neighbors and assumed all was lovely and perfect?

Life is MEANT to challenge us, we can accept the challenge and grow, or we can avoid the challenge and shrink.

In 48 hrs I will be driving to Minnesota, We have a unique opportunity to bring a blessing into our life & family, we are all so excited. It is like a surprise pregnancy, we appreciate the prayers, and as soon as we have confirmed information we will SHARE, do not doubt it!

In the past when I have declared "WE ARE ADOPTING!" We have not been able to proceed, so for now, we move forward with caution and anticipation, we already love this sweet boy, Now we make the plans necessary to bind him into our hearts forever.

Sunday, February 05, 2012

My heart strings.

While of late this blog has taken a philosophical view on life in general, as I work hard to implement the new skills and desires into my daily actions, this is still, after all, my personal blog.

Today, the Sabbath, I write what is in my heart.

I have been so very blessed to have the life I live. It has not always been easy. I spent the better part of my childhood and early adult life depressed. I attempted suicide on 4 separate occasions. No one knew or cared. I spent the entire night on the bathroom floor vomiting and in agony, all I wanted was someone to come slide my sticky hair off my forehead and tell me they loved me. But I stayed there alone, heartbroken, and feeling like a failure.

So lucky and blessed that I was not successful. Because although my life is far from easy, or pain-free, I am abundantly happy & blessed.

I have the privilege to bear 6 children, and the honor to foster/adopt Claudine and her son, Dante. These two, while not of my womb are so tightly knit to my heart. I think of them every day, I pray for them every night and I love them as if they were my own.

I love.

That is what I do, and if I see someone or something that needs loving, I do it.

I spent so many years of my life wondering if anyone loved me, that I make it my mission to leave each child in my home keenly aware that I love them.

I want each child, not matter how big or small to KNOW they are special, they are unique and no one can replace them.

I love.

I open my home, and my heart to those who seek it. I happily give of my resources to 'outsiders' and make them feel like insiders.

Right now I have an extra child in my home. He has a family, a mother who loves him, I do not want to discount what she is to him. He Loves His Mother. But for whatever reason he needs a safe place to land each day. He has slowly come to be a part of our crew. He has his own chore list, and responsibilities, he loves, teases,plays, argues, and annoys just like the rest of them. He has chosen to be a part of our family, even if it is not permanent he is here now. I will give him all I can for as long as he needs it. My heart is attached to him, for we know that when we serve, we love. I love this son, and hope and pray for the best for him whatever direction he takes.

I am thrilled to say we will be having a baptism in our building Feb 9th. 7:30 p.m. Come if you want to see who is taking to the baptismal waters. It is not my announcement to make, I will allow the participants to invite and tell whomever they choose.

For now understand this, my heart is driven to help others, to serve others and to lift others. It is my greatest desire to love.

I know I fall short, I have let my responsibilities slip, and I pray I will have the DEDICATION to choose the best path. Each and every day.

I wear it on my sleeve, and always plan to. Thanks for allowing me to share my thoughts and feelings. Looking forward to each new adventure as it approaches!