Being as vulnerable as i am during this fundraising time, I have gone through a huge fluctuating emotional roller coaster. I hate asking for help, only because it hurts so deeply to be denied help when i finally do ask.
I would much rather not ask, suffer or go without than ask, and be ignored.
When we were little children and people would ask, "What do you want for your birthday?" and I hesitated, it was only because it felt like such a gamble to be honest, and then not receive the desired object.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, I do not believe in holding back my feelings, but it has taken me many years to learn to hold back my many thoughts.
My thoughts and or beliefs are hard for most people to swallow.
While studying about adoption attachment and learning how it is an issue,and what can be done to begin the healing process, I have found something. It is hard for me to admit, but the more time i spend studying this issue, the more I realize this is what I suffer(ed) from in my childhood especially.
I am not sure if it is due to not having a father in my life, or due to the many moves and required hardships of being raised by a single mother, or if it started later, when I was old enough to realize that most people love CONDITIONALLY, and that my mannerisms and personality are pretty hard for most folks to handle.
I am so grateful for my grandparents, who adopted me not only into their family, but into their hearts, I can honestly say i was never treated better than they treated me. We lived next door to them for many years, and that time was the time i felt the safest in my life.
Clara & Arvid were such amazing people, i know there were times i disappointed them, but I honestly NEVER FELT IT.
They never withdrew their affection for me, even when i went through my ugly phase. I never hesitated to visit them, call them or reach out to them, they made it crystal clear that they would always and forever accept and love me.
I will forever attempt to emulate this quality for my growing clan. I will forever remember how wonderful it was to bask in their adoration.
I will take this memory and build my future on the knowledge that even when I make mistakes, I am still lovable.
I hope I can carry on this legacy, although flawed, and help my children feel my infinite love for them.
Each and every one of them.