I have been hurt before. I have gotten over it. I am a slow learner, I normally do not get offended, especially if what was said or done was not meant to offend, but what do you do when something IS meant to offend? What if the venting and ranting IS personal. as in, its all about my weaknesses, insecurities and defects.
I am well aware of those, I see them each and every time I see my reflection, or hear my vice, or... you get the idea. I am pretty hard on myself. and when i have been down, I have made a commitment to get back on the horse, go outside myself and serve, selflessly. I don't see that as bragging; I think of it the way others clean when they are hurt, or some shop when they are down, some may even jog, or write, or...whatever. So when I am accused of being self-serving and selfish I do feel hurt, to the 9th degree. misunderstood.
but i am attempting to climb out of that pain, i am trying to separate their pain from mine, and own my weaknesses. One of my weaknesses is my big, fat, mouth. I am one who does not like things left unsaid, I would rather confront, and not to fight, or be angry, but to get the truth out, and resolve it. I hate unresolved issues. I loose sleep over it. and I need my sleep. When someone has said gossip about me, I tend to go to the source and try to resolve it. that makes others' uncomfortable. I tend to make most people uncomfortable.
Not that I am trying. I just permeate something, like a stink bug. and others feel.... at odds.
So on to my healing, I spent the night in restless sleep, thinking about the mistakes I have made (which are not exactly the list that others think of me?)
and so I work to mend, I watched my beloved prophet council me, and I have made a resolve to try harder. Not allow their judgmental comments,looks, or feelings towards me to influence my actions.
So as not to confuse you with our OTHER California trips (wink) We only had a few hours on the beach, but the pictures will last me a while. (until Jan-Feb when Wes & I are going to HAWAII!)
We left Disneyland and jumped in the bus,
It was chilly in the morning, but warm enough for swimsuits by 10 a.m. we sat, listened to the waves and enjoyed God's Splendor. He is so good to us. What creative, and breathtaking beauty. we headed towards a beach (any beach really I just wanted to be on a beach for the sunrise) Wes drove and the rest of us rested, (the kids can sleep while the bus is rolling, I however cannot) We found a public parking spot, and read the signs, it was closed until 8 a.m. We found a peace officer and asked his advice on where to sleep. He gave us instructions, and we were off. We found the spot he suggested, and I directed Wes into a parking spot. We pulled the curtains closed, open the windows to listen tot he surf and went to sleep. around 4 a.m. Elijah woke and was crying, we found a binky for him and tucked him back into bed with us. then within minutes we had an obnoxious KNOCKING that would not stop. Abi was asleep on the front bed,a nd she freaked out and rant to he back of the bus, Wes got dressed and went to the door. It was a set of officers who were not to pleased. They set in interrogating Wes on who we were, why we were here, and a number of questions. Did we know that it is illegal to sleep in your vehicle? Did we know it is illegal to cover all the windows in your vehicle? Did we know we could not take up multiple parking spots? Then they set in on the bus, Are there seat-belts? Where do we put the kids while we travel? Why did our daughter (who they thought was a 20 year old) run and hide when they knocked on the door?
needless to say my plans for camping on a beach for 2 weeks was ruined. if I had to answer these types of questions each and every day the 'relax on a beach' part would not be possible! So I had to suffice my needs with an morning on the beach, and sigh.... make do.