Sunday, May 13, 2012

A Wish.

I am not sure when it happened, but at some point in my life, I was convinced that crying is a sign of weakness.  I was bullied in elementary school, for pimples at 3rd grade, wearing a bra in 4th grade, and having 'BO' all throughout elementary.

I was a traumatized child, and I cried every single day of school.

I HATED school, I spent most of my time alone, and I felt weak and vulnerable.

Something happened, and I changed, I think a part of it was meeting a new group of kids (BMW, Missy, Christine A., Kanna) that NEVER made me feel small. These were my first true friends.

Somewhere in between bawling like a baby 24/7  and refusing to shed a tear, I get lost.

This is where I am now, I am VERY sensitive to criticism. Who isn't??  My dear sweet friend Consie taught me to try to sandwich a complaint with two compliments, this way it shows the person you are correcting that you recognize the good they do, and it lessens the blow of the negative/correction.

I am not very good at this, because in LOVE languages, Words of Affirmations are the HARDEST for me to convey. I like to DO something for others to show my love (Acts of Kindness) and words get caught in my throat and I struggle with saying them. I have to think, rethink and think again in order to feel like what I say is accurate or correct.

So as I struggle with TEENAGERS....I am at a loss. this is where I wish.

I wish that instead of getting ANGRY I wish I could cry, cause this is what I WANT to do. I WANT to cry when we have conflict, I want to break down and be soft, and let them see what they say or what they do TRULY gets to me.

Instead, I become hard as Steele and to THEM they think it is unfeeling.

My poor kids.

If only they knew how tender I was/am. If only I was better at letting them see the soft side of me.

If only I did not spend all my energies on protective actions and instead I was able to soften a bit, and let them see me cry.

I wish I could cry.

Cry like I do when I see an orphan, Cry like I do when I see a hallmark special, cry like when I miss my mother, cry like I do when I think of all my regrets.

I wish I could cry.