Sunday, November 07, 2010

Overcoming pain/hurt

I have been hurt before. I have gotten over it. I am a slow learner, I normally do not get offended, especially if what was said or done was not meant to offend, but what do you do when something IS meant to offend? What if the venting and ranting IS personal. as in, its all about my weaknesses, insecurities and defects.

I am well aware of those, I see them each and every time I see my reflection, or hear my vice, or... you get the idea. I am pretty hard on myself. and when i have been down, I have made a commitment to get back on the horse, go outside myself and serve, selflessly.
I don't see that as bragging; I think of it the way others clean when they are hurt, or some shop when they are down, some may even jog, or write, or...whatever.
So when I am accused of being self-serving and selfish I do feel hurt, to the 9th degree.

but i am attempting to climb out of that pain, i am trying to separate their pain from mine, and own my weaknesses.
One of my weaknesses is my big, fat, mouth. I am one who does not like things left unsaid, I would rather confront, and not to fight, or be angry, but to get the truth out, and resolve it. I hate unresolved issues. I loose sleep over it. and I need my sleep.
When someone has said gossip about me, I tend to go to the source and try to resolve it. that makes others' uncomfortable. I tend to make most people uncomfortable.

Not that I am trying. I just permeate something, like a stink bug. and others feel.... at odds.

So on to my healing, I spent the night in restless sleep, thinking about the mistakes I have made (which are not exactly the list that others think of me?)

and so I work to mend, I watched my beloved prophet council me, and I have made a resolve to try harder. Not allow their judgmental comments,looks, or feelings towards me to influence my actions. - Ensign Article - Charity Never Faileth

If only I could have this mastered, I could have saved allot of people allot of pain in the (recent) past.