Where do we go from here?

Sitting alone, in a hotel room. The last time I was alone was in 2003 when I stayed in Anchorage with Wesley during ground school. I watched TV, then went shopping. I spent way too much money on the kids, and felt rejuvenated towards my love of homeschooling and parenting in general.

Being alone can be a double edged sword.

All the thoughts and ideas or weaknesses can come to surface and there is no one to distract you from them.

ENTER: Pain.

I listened to an audio book during the 6.5 hr drive, it was "The Peacegiver" by Fray (I think)

It teaches the principles of forgiveness and the atonement. More than anything it helps us to realize how flawed we are in thinking that our weaknesses are justified because of the weaknesses of others.

This is where I am now. I have been hurt so deeply by certain events or relationships, I have since severed the painful relationships, but now I am at a place of reevaluation, What is RIGHT, and what is GOOD.

I know it is GOOD to live without contention, and to live in Peace, however when do bridges need to be mended and relationships opened and reunited.

When is it safe to head back down that path?
We know we only have control over OUR path, OUR actions and OUR reactions. So how can you prepare or allow someone into your life that has not in the past proved to be trustworthy or even capable of admitting fault?

I do not want them to accept all the blame, or to be the one responsible to fix the riff, however I can only accept responsibility for MY actions, and MY REACTIONS right?

I think I have forgiven, I feel ready to move on. I am just at a loss for where that path should take me.

I am DEEPLY Grateful for a husband who is SO HUMBLE and LOVING and willing to accept me for who I am, he truly shows such infinite compassion and love towards me. It is such a blessing to know that I am loved. Without him by my side.....I shudder to think what life would be like. Thank you 'nuggle Bunny' Thank you for helping me through the past pain of these hurtful situations.

Thank you for willingly traveling this path with me. I LOVE YOU.

Chicken Soup and Blessings abound

I started to feel a wee bit ill this week, then today I awoke to full-body pain. I do not get sick, partially because I do not have time to get sick.

Today I am taking the time.

stay in bed, sip on home made chicken noodle soup from a dear lovely friend, rest, read a bit, write a little, and reminisce on my life.

How many times have we looked at the life of our friends or neighbors and assumed all was lovely and perfect?

Life is MEANT to challenge us, we can accept the challenge and grow, or we can avoid the challenge and shrink.

In 48 hrs I will be driving to Minnesota, We have a unique opportunity to bring a blessing into our life & family, we are all so excited. It is like a surprise pregnancy, we appreciate the prayers, and as soon as we have confirmed information we will SHARE, do not doubt it!

In the past when I have declared "WE ARE ADOPTING!" We have not been able to proceed, so for now, we move forward with caution and anticipation, we already love this sweet boy, Now we make the plans necessary to bind him into our hearts forever.

My heart strings.

While of late this blog has taken a philosophical view on life in general, as I work hard to implement the new skills and desires into my daily actions, this is still, after all, my personal blog.

Today, the Sabbath, I write what is in my heart.

I have been so very blessed to have the life I live. It has not always been easy. I spent the better part of my childhood and early adult life depressed. I attempted suicide on 4 separate occasions. No one knew or cared. I spent the entire night on the bathroom floor vomiting and in agony, all I wanted was someone to come slide my sticky hair off my forehead and tell me they loved me. But I stayed there alone, heartbroken, and feeling like a failure.

So lucky and blessed that I was not successful. Because although my life is far from easy, or pain-free, I am abundantly happy & blessed.

I have the privilege to bear 6 children, and the honor to foster/adopt Claudine and her son, Dante. These two, while not of my womb are so tightly knit to my heart. I think of them every day, I pray for them every night and I love them as if they were my own.

I love.

That is what I do, and if I see someone or something that needs loving, I do it.

I spent so many years of my life wondering if anyone loved me, that I make it my mission to leave each child in my home keenly aware that I love them.

I want each child, not matter how big or small to KNOW they are special, they are unique and no one can replace them.

I love.

I open my home, and my heart to those who seek it. I happily give of my resources to 'outsiders' and make them feel like insiders.

Right now I have an extra child in my home. He has a family, a mother who loves him, I do not want to discount what she is to him. He Loves His Mother. But for whatever reason he needs a safe place to land each day. He has slowly come to be a part of our crew. He has his own chore list, and responsibilities, he loves, teases,plays, argues, and annoys just like the rest of them. He has chosen to be a part of our family, even if it is not permanent he is here now. I will give him all I can for as long as he needs it. My heart is attached to him, for we know that when we serve, we love. I love this son, and hope and pray for the best for him whatever direction he takes.

I am thrilled to say we will be having a baptism in our building Feb 9th. 7:30 p.m. Come if you want to see who is taking to the baptismal waters. It is not my announcement to make, I will allow the participants to invite and tell whomever they choose.

For now understand this, my heart is driven to help others, to serve others and to lift others. It is my greatest desire to love.

I know I fall short, I have let my responsibilities slip, and I pray I will have the DEDICATION to choose the best path. Each and every day.

I wear it on my sleeve, and always plan to. Thanks for allowing me to share my thoughts and feelings. Looking forward to each new adventure as it approaches!

Time to Believe.... Part 7 ACTION JACKSON!

NOW GO!

DO!

ACT!

Do not be a part of the 99% that learn, read, search and know. but do not do.

It is like the dietitian KNOWING what is healthy, and choosing Fast-Food anyway (Which I Do occasionally)
It is like the Financial Counselor knowing how to invest money, and grow his portfolio and he goes into debt instead.
Or the Yoga instructor who never practices that Adho Mukha Svanasana.

knowing is HALF the battle.

DOING is the other half.....

So go!

GO NOW!

Get on with it......

Time to Believe.... Part 6

OK, since this path is NOT a short one... and you have spent at least a year in educating yourself, becoming the expert and allowing yourself to enjoy the journey. You have humbled yourself and learned all you can about your area of interest.

Now comes the fun!!

TEACH what you have LEARNED!

Now give back to others, offer to share what you know, what you love and why it means so much to you. Make that joy contagious. Maybe others will not lose it AS MUCH AS YOU DO.

But share anyway... some portion of what you have learned will be the nugget of information that is vital (VITAL) to someone else. IF you keep it to your self.... your not using those God-Given talents their full glory.

TALENTS?! You say..... WAIT a minute, I had to work LONG & HARD to become the expert, to learn all I can and to have this much knowledge, that was WORK, not TALENT!

yep. Your right, your absolutely right.

And God gave you the TALENT of loving that subject and the TALENT or Gift of Knowledge.

Now share it. You TRULY only know what you know...when you can teach what you know. The Student becomes the teacher and the knowledge becomes a PART of you!

teaching is the greatest gift, honor & privilege! So share it!