Reflecting and growing pains

I have been so busy with survival mode, I have not taken time to write down our family happenings. (although all 2 of my readers have called me lately.so ha ha ha)

Here is the run down of the past 2 months, April was a recoup from Liberia, and all the health problems I developed while in that country, honestly I am not sure it is from bugs I brought home, or the heart break I have had from leaving behind so many people that I love.

I have had a hard time getting back on track, the house stays clean, the kids stay fed, but my heart is just aching to be a part of a solution.
The hunger. The vast need. The gluttony of our Nation. The whining and self serving acts we all participate in daily.

Coming home has brought me to my knees, it has developed a bitterness and judgement towards all (including myself) for the abundance we take for granted!

At the same time I have enjoyed my clean beautiful home, my endless supply of food, and my family that surrounds and lifts me with their love.
I speak to someone from Liberia at least 3 times each week. If 8 days go by without a call, I get worried, and I start sending texts to all my family there checking on them.

Do you want to know the theme for each conversation we have? they ask how we are all doing, and initially I think of all the irritants of my day, and all the things I have gotten frustrated with, and then recall how HARD life is for ALL of them. and I reply in gratitude "we are ALL doing good, kids are healthy, Wes still has a job, and we are doing fine." Then I ask how they are, and how family members are. Inevitably it comes around to illness, several hospital trips for Malaria, and the many other fevers that accompany the rainy season. Then we move onto funerals, and who has passed on, which family member is now gone. Then finally they speak of the love they have for me, and the gratitude for the meager support I offer ($30 a month) and my heart sinks. Internally I grumble at the $400 I spend on groceries and I complain about the amount of work I must perform, and here they are deeply grateful for the pittance I have sent.

that is the jist of our conversations, many times they ask me if there is anything I can do to help THEIR neighbors (for they all know SOMEONE who is worse off then they) or they just say they wanted to hear my voice, and know when I would return.

I want to roam, wander, run free. I want to travel, if I could have my dream I would spend every other month traveling to Liberia.

But I know that is not realistic, and I know that my place is here, with my children, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE my children.
and so I plant roots, I dig in, I cultivate happiness and joy in my every action. and I pray.
I pray for; Quita, Ameila, Divine, Annie, Leslie, Washington, Othneil, Jeremiah, Alice, Elijah, Nancy, Aretha, Lucy, Barry, Mary, Nya, each of them touching me in my heart.