Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Church Unveils a New Program!

Church Unveils 'Slow-Track' Program


In order to better meet the needs of 'our most average members,' church
representative Howard S. Jeppeson announced the creation of a new
slow-track membership program. 'This program caters to those members of
the church who may not be top-level celestial material but who are still
willing to put in a nominal effort toward their own salvation,' he said.

The slow-track program includes the same components of normal church
membership, but at a more relaxed pace. Members who sign on for the
program are required to read scriptures and have personal and family
prayer once a week, attend church once a month, visit teach or home
teach four times a year, and watch one session of general conference
every other year. If slow-track members can commit to these requirements
for five years, they can earn a temple recommend stamped with an S for
'slow track,' after which they are expected to attend the temple
semiannually. According to Jeppeson, the church may create a shorter,
condensed version of the temple ceremony for S-track members 'in order
to better accommodate those members' shorter attention spans and lower
levels of ambition.'

Social historian Jane Schippen, PhD, a long-time scholarly observer of
Mormon society, hails the new slow-track program. 'Mormonism pays a
great deal of attention to its high achievers, like those who are stake
president before they turn forty or women who have eight children and
maintain a spotless house,' she observed. Similarly, she continued,
'Mormons spend a lot of time and energy worrying about those on the
other end of the spectrum, the less-actives.' She sees the slow-track
program as 'a way to acknowledge and honor the vast majority of Mormons,
those who will never hold high positions of leadership but who are
nevertheless active - the sloggers, if you will.'

Logan Stake president Gary L. Hackett agrees with Schippen and says that
the new slow-track program 'will prod the lazy ones into progressing at
least a little bit, which is an improvement.' He estimates that
implementing the slow track will cut administrative tasks, such as
nagging phone calls to complete home or visiting teaching, by as much as
75 percent. 'It's about time we recognized that not everyone in the
church is that top ten percent of the celestial kingdom material,' he
notes. 'And, really, that's okay. I mean, the bottom two levels of the
celestial kingdom are supposed to be pretty good too, right?'

Most members seem happy with the soon-to-be-implemented system. 'Let's
face it,' says local member Larry K. Whiting. 'I'm not cut out for this
high-paced, pressure-oriented Mormon lifestyle. I mean, home teaching
four families every month? The scheduling alone takes way too much time.
And then I have to go over there and pretend I care about these people
when I'd rather be home watching ESPN? Give me the slow-track program
any day.'

Local member Kendra Koenig agrees. 'Do you know how much fun it is
trying to roust five kids out of bed for family scripture study and
prayer at 6:30 AM? I am sick to death of nagging them about it, and you
can believe it's not doing our family harmony any good.' She praised the
slow-track system for offering a more realistic temple-attendance
schedule. 'Like anyone who has a life can manage to get out there twice
a month? This slow-track program is the answer to my infrequent

One Elders Quorum President read this announcement to his Quorum. He had
so many wanting to sign up that he had to tell them it was just a Joke!

Article by Amy Chamberlain
Design by Tres Larsen

1 comment:

Kari said...

I was thinking the whole time reading this, what the? Is this a joke? Please say this is a joke...