For the past 3 weeks I have been digging.
Digging deep into the wells of my soul to come up with the energy to "Do what is Right" (and I will let the consequence follow.)
It has been tough, postpartum hits for me well after the 6 week mark, it hits when all seems to be peachy, and my life is rolling along. I get smashed by the inferior thoughts and the guilt of not doing it all. (or not doing any of it really) Then I step into the role of "Hating My Life" I hate every breath I take, and I long for it to be over. (Endure to End... BLECH!)
So I start speaking about it, mostly because I am a vocal person, and I need ideas on how to dig myself out of the pit. (The pit of despair)
I spoke with some of my mentors, some women whom I admire greatly:
Cindy Galbraith gave me a WONDERFUL pep talk, and included a letter she wrote to HER daughters for Mother's Day. I cherished her insight. and i took her advice. I have spent time EVERY DAY filling my cup, reading form the scriptures and listening to uplifting songs & words. I have forced myself to exercise, albeit not regularly enough to get the weight loss benefits. BUT It is a step!
I love Cindy, she has helped me in more ways than she can imagine. What an amazing woman.
Then came long Lia, she is the only person who without even trying can get me to smile & laugh, when I have spent ALL Day in frustration and being so completely overwhelmed with my life I was knocked to my knees, for the 5th time in the day I had something break, fall or crash at my feet, and I was fed up! So i bowed to my knees, and as my head was about to hit the floor (a-la-Prayer rug style) I saw Lia;s handwriting peep out from behind the babies (now broken) changing table. I reached for the envelope (That had been delivered in JUNE and lost) and ripped open the package. two pages, a mere 40 words, and I was so lifted, I felt loved, appreciated, and I felt like the Lord was giving me a little nudge to forgive myself.
Thank you Lia, you have NO IDEA how needed that was, especially right then, I am actually glad that I did not get it in June, cause I needed it more when I found it. It was such an answer to prayer! I used the stuff inside to celebrate my Birthday.
Now yesterday, Sunday, I had a prayer in my heart all month to know how to handle school for the year. I knew (by praying and studying) that I was to Home school the kids for the 5th year. But I was NOT happy about it! The week prior to this, My good friend Erin R. gave a talk in sacrament on the Tender Mercies of the Lord. she shared how she had gotten an answer to prayers as well. I followed her lead and made the sacrifice (financial sacrifice) to attend the Temple with the youth group.
Then Sunday, as I mentioned, I was still pondering the solutions for school, I was able to square away the details on Abi & Gracie's schooling, however Madison was still a bit unsure.
In walks Susan.
Susan speaks with the Lord, she listens to his words, and she will move mountains to obey his council.
She approached me yesterday saying that in her prayers for me (she being one of the people I had shared my plight with depression with)
She was led to offer her services in helping me with my needs in Home schooling. She is a scholar of schooling, she has AMAZING boys, (the only 2 of her 7 kids I have met) they are amazing students that she has helped shape and design a program for thier success. I am humbled at the offer . I am so thrilled to have so much support!
I am dumbfounded that each and every one of my needs were met.
Tender Mercies of the Lord.
I am feeling his hand in my life again, and this lifts the depression, significantly.
the last thing we have been pryaing 3 years for is a local Job for Wes.
He is NOT eligible for the Trooper selection, possibly due to the writings here on my blog. Who knows. Nobody enjoys rejection, however I am relieved to know he will not be a Trooper for the State of Missouri.
So now in earnest we are praying for a job, in the salary range we need to support the growing family of ours and with the benefit of being close to home. I know it too will happen, as the Lord has given me all the answers to the issues we have been dealing with so far. I know he will lead us to the next step.
I love my friends, I appreciate all they do for me.
I especially Love the hand of the Lord in my life.
I appreciate HIS love, Mercy & forgiveness.
I also cant WAIT for my mom to visit. She will be here in 10 days!!!!